Keep Kalmado and Mother On is our new monthly parenting column. Cat Wigley is the founder of Filipino Mothers UK, an online support group for Filipino mums in Britain.
By Cat Wigley
Being an immigrant mother is not a bed of roses. I realised this when I moved to the UK in 2011 to join my husband. Just three months after arriving in England, we were ecstatic when we found out I was pregnant. But after I gave birth, I found myself feeling sad, having a low mood and lacking appetite.
A new parent should be beaming with happiness. But not me. I was constantly tired with zero energy. Holding my baby involved crying and the thought that I am not good enough.
I blamed myself when the baby cried, thinking that I was harming him. Social anxiety enveloped me. I started not wanting to go out. To aggravate our situation, we discovered another bun in the oven!! Whoa!
I found myself comparing my life in the Philippines and here in the UK. I thought that life as parents would be easier back home, where we have a supportive extended family and help is accessible.
Although my husband noticed my change of behaviour, my symptoms got worse and we decided to reach out to our health visitor. I was diagnosed with borderline postnatal depression. My post-natal depression has led to my ISOLATION. The isolation created a dent in my mental health.
Motherhood can be isolating and no one has mentioned this to me. A 2017 survey revealed that more than 90% of mothers in the UK feel lonely since having children.
Not to mention that 1 out of 7 women suffered post-natal depression. I was one of those. As immigrant mums, not only did we leave our families back home, but we did not expect the family culture here to be entirely different. We have no extended family that we can rely on. Being new in the UK means having to start creating your social circles.
Our health visitor referred me to Home-Start and I was given a buddy who helped me conquer my social anxiety. Joining a playgroup was the beginning of my recovery and a new chapter for me and my family.
I’d love to share some tips on how I overcome isolation. Here they are:
1) Communicate your needs. Ask for help from your partner.
Both you and your partner should share in the task of making the home a safe and comforting place for the family. I have learned to express my needs and ask for my partner’s help around the house. He does his share with the cooking, cleaning and reading a bedtime story for the kids.
My husband would always say, “ I cannot read your mind.” Verbalise your expectations. Do not assume that your partner knows them.
2) Have some “me” time.
This is mandatory. There is a popular piece of advice: “Do not wait until your cup is empty.” “Me” time is giving special attention to yourself to restore your energy and reduce stress. My husband plays an important role in my self-care. If you are a single mother, find friends to babysit your little ones.
Go for a quiet walk in the woods or park. Sit down by the beach or on a park bench with a book. Bring your favourite coffee too! Be intentional or it will never happen.
3) Join a parenting group or a playgroup.
Join Home Start, a community network that supports families with young children. A HomeStart buddy started taking me out of the house to go see appointments or playgroups. Meeting other mums made me realise that we have the same struggles. My children were busy forming new friendships and so was I. I found my close friends in this group. I also found my faith because of the people I met in the playgroup. Before long, I was running a playgroup in Manchester and now I am running a new one here in Wales with the welfare of parents in mind. I owe it to them.
You can also join online parenting groups. Filipino Mothers UK is a Facebook virtual mommy village that has enabled a lot of in-person meet-ups and fostered meaningful relationships through our online talking sessions.
4) Pursue your interests and hobbies.
What are your hobbies? Whatever they are – running, gardening, yoga, baking, etc – find ways how you can join like-minded people. Here in the UK, there are so many choices. Some of the groups I tried joining for free were the National Childbirth Trust (NCT) Sling Libraries and breastfeeding groups, Children Centre’s Women Craft and Baking, forest school, RunTogether/Buggy Squad, and baby and mom yoga. Find out what is there in your area.
How about a bible study group? There are so many face-to-face or virtual groups like this.
Joining a local church has greatly helped me and my family. From babysitting our kids so that my husband and I could go on a date, to cooking for us when I gave birth to my second and fourth child, our church community has been an anchor to my life in the UK. Put God at the centre of your lives and all will be well – this is our family’s mantra and we are hoping to impart this to our children.
About Cat
I’m a mother of four children, ages 2, 6, 10 and 11. Currently, I’m a stay-at-home mother and taking a break as a primary school teacher here in the UK. I run FILIPINO MOTHERS UK, an online support group for Filipino mums. I also lead a busy playgroup in North Wales while at the same time being actively involved in the community and missional church.
I love adrenaline-rushing activities that’s why we moved to Wales. Climbing Snowdonia, surfing, and the zip world are my kind of things. My hobbies are interior decorating my house and mixing fruity gin for my friends.
